fat-boy-of-coombe-dingle

Hong Kong Phooey v Danger Mouse - December 1975 Aged 11

Thu, 01 May 2014 15:47:48 +0100

December 1975 - Aged 11

Every generation of kids growing up, love their TV and especially the cartoons. Each generation is also very protective of their characters and reckon they have the best Super Heroes. We had some classic shows in the 70’s, The Hair Bear Bunch, Inch High Private Eye, the Pink Panther Show, Wacky Races, Top Cat and Hong Kong Phooey.

I think the only fair way to decide the best Super Hero of say the 70’s and 80’s is to have a FIGHT. “In the blue corner, representing kids of the 70’s, Hong Kong Phooey” and “In the red corner, representing kids of the 80’s, DangerMouse”. As I was a kid of the 70’s, I’d got to hope that HKP gave DM a good hiding.

Hong Kong Phooey was the secret alter ego of Penrod Pooch, or Penry (sometimes mispronounced "Henry"), a ‘mild-mannered’ police station janitor. Hong Kong Phooey was supposedly a master of kung fu and other martial arts. He worked with Sergeant Flint (‘Sarge’) and Rosemary, the telephone operator, who had a crush on him. After Rosemary takes a call and explains the crime, Penry runs into a filing cabinet (and always get stuck) to transform himself into Hong Kong Phooey. He usually enters the lower drawer as Penrod and leaves the upper one as Hong Kong Phooey. Phooey gets into his Phooeymobile and uses the ‘bong of the gong’ to turn it into whatever sort of vehicle best suits the occasion. He finds the thieves committing their crime but his faithful companion Spot (the Police Cat) is usually the one who finds a way to capture the criminals and foil their crime. Because Hong Kong is the reputed superhero, every time Spot saves the day, everyone else (including Phooey) credits Hong Kong Phooey with being the hero.

DangerMouse is a British mouse who works as a secret agent. The hero wore a rakish eye patch and his chest was prominently emblazoned with the initials 'DM'. He was the greatest secret agent in the world. He spoke 34 languages fluently, including some extraterrestrial ones. He regularly balanced himself on his index finger and bounced up and down on it. Ernest Penfold was a timid, bespectacled hamster. Penfold stood just over half the height of DangerMouse, and always wore thick round glasses and a blue suit with a white shirt and a yellow and black stripy tie. He was the sidekick of DangerMouse, whom he called ‘Chief’. He was of a cowardly nature and became terrified at any sign of danger. He was often captured or got himself into other dangerous situations before needing to be rescued by DangerMouse. His main catchphrase was "Crumbs DM!" and others included "Ooh-eck!", "Ooh-Fiddle!" and "Ooh-Carrots!” all said when things went wrong.

The Wimp - February 1981 Aged 16

Wed, 23 Apr 2014 12:42:50 +0100

February 1981 - Aged 16

On Sunday 8^th February we made our second and unfortunately final movie, again filmed by Andy’s Dad.

The Wimp

Starring, Alister Baldwin, Andrew Sarjeant, Cameron Fraser, Gudge and Brian Fraser

I starred as The Wimp in this classic second movie blockbuster. I was dressed in a flowery shirt, my hair was slicked back and I’m wearing National Health specs. The look was completed with a tight pair of shorts and black shoes. Nice hey?

The film was shot on location at McBain Memorial Park near Loch Ness. I am merrily skipping along the road, smelling a pretty flower, when I encounter a gang of reprobates. The first person (Gudge) is cocking a rifle, the second (Andy) looks at me and spits on the floor in disgust, the third (Cameron) is flashing a blade in the sunshine and the final person (Brian) is sharpening a stick.

Gudge fires a shot in my direction, which stops me in my tracks. I gather my composure, turn around and start running away down the hill. However they soon catch me and proceed to beat and kick me, as I lay helpless on the road. When I realise I’m not dead I stand up and boy was I angry. I wrench my tie from side to side, and then set off in search of revenge. The first person I track down is Brian; he puts up little resistance, as I kick him to death. Next I creep up behind Andy and strangle him with my tie. I find Cameron and stab him with his own knife; his stomach is a mess of cotton wool and ketchup. Finally I track down Gudge and beat him to death with a stick. I raise my arms in the air in triumph.

The moral of this story is “Never mess with WIMPS”.

The Beast of Scaniport - October 1980 Aged 16

Wed, 23 Apr 2014 12:43:18 +0100

This was the year we became Film Stars. Andy’s dad had a Cine camera and on the 19^th October we drove out to a sleepy hollow called ‘Scaniport’, to make our first movie.

The Beast of Scaniport

Starring, Alister Baldwin, Andrew Sarjeant and Cameron Fraser

It started off with the three of us out for a leisurely cycle ride and we stopped off for a rest in Scaniport. We got into an argument and I stormed off on my bike. The other two became concerned for my whereabouts (after about 10 seconds) and set off to find me. They found me (after about 10 seconds) spread-eagled on the road, dead! At first it seemed that I had been killed by a massive bottle of Tomato Ketchup, as I was covered in the stuff, but something much more sinister had happened. I had become the first victim of ‘The Beast of Scaniport’.

As this was a low budget film, we didn’t actually show the Beast killing me, because I had a dual role in this film as myself and as the Beast. So after finding me dead, Andy and Cam panicked and tried to get out of Scaniport as quickly as they could. However they got separated up a country lane and Cameron became the second victim of The Beast, mercilessly slayed and dumped in a ditch. Andy tried to escape, but when he stopped to gather his thoughts, the Beast pounced from the bushes and beat Andy to death. The film finishes with the Beast (basically, me with a blanket over my head) hobbling up the path, looking like ‘The Hunchback of Notre Dame’.

Cigarettes and Cider - July 1981 Aged 17

Tue, 01 Apr 2014 13:05:47 +0100

'Fat Boy of Coombe Dingle'

July 1981 - Aged 17

Staying on the alcohol theme, in the summer we would meet up on a Thursday afternoon, buy a keg of cider and head down to the River Ness. Andy was seeing a girl called Jenny (bit of a stunner, not quite sure how he pulled that one, must've been his basin haircut!), I was sort of seeing Nicki P but it only really amounted to some drunken fumbles after downing copious amounts of Cider.

I would supply cigarettes (I worked in a Newsagents) when possible. At work if a pack of cigarettes got bashed they couldn’t sell them, so I was allowed to take them. Its amazing how the less popular brands were prone to damage, your Chesterfield, Camel, Du Maurier, Winston, I forever had to take them for my mates.

Back at the riverbank, we would down so much cider, people had been known to throw up in the river! This one time we thought it would be a good idea to set fire to a gorse bush, just one little bush, no harm done, no one needs to know. Bollocks! It had been a hot dry summer; this one bush fire had turned into ‘The River of Fire’. As far as the eye could see was a mass of flames. Of course we did the responsible thing, ran like hell! We came back the next day and feared the worse, fortunately it wasn’t too bad; there was an end to the gorse bushes.

Jesus Christ - November 1971 Aged 7

Tue, 01 Apr 2014 13:13:05 +0100

'Fat Boy of Coombe Dingle'

November 1971 - Aged 7

Dad had noted in his diary that I ‘filled my pants’ at school. He hasn’t elaborated on that though and you’re probably thinking “what has he filled his pants with?” Money, sweets, bacon butties, chocolate (well, sort of). OK, I’d shit myself at school! It happens, well it had happened to me. Who hasn’t? [Imagine deathly silence and Tumbleweed, at this point].

Strictly speaking I wasn’t actually at school. We were at some school concert at the church in The Avenue. I thought I could sneak out a crafty fart during the singing, but unfortunately I followed through. While everyone was thinking “Jesus Christ, praise the Lord”, I was thinking “Jesus Christ, I’ve shit myself”. It wasn’t as if I could hide the fact, as until the age of 11, we were forced to wear short grey trousers. So with a brown stripe making its way down my leg, I quickly found a teacher, explained my predicament and was allowed to make my way home.

I ran (well moved as fast as I could, with my buttocks clenched together) down The Avenue, along Emerson Avenue and into Thackeray Grove. Mum opened the door and asked why I was home so early. I said I was feeling unwell and school had told me to go home and immediately run upstairs and wash my pants and trousers with soap, shampoo, bubble bath, basically anything I could find in the bathroom. That last bit was a half truth, I did do that, but school didn’t tell me to.

Kids these days have it easy, when it comes to shitting themselves at school. They have long trousers and automatic washing machines, lucky bastards!